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| Eleventh station of the cross at Christ in the Desert Monastery |
Wednesdays are always special, because I can count on receiving an email from
Christ in the Desert Monastery. This has become an important part of my spiritual journey.
The letters written by Abbot Philip Lawrence not only provide timely news from the Benedictine community, but also simple lessons on faith and life.This has been comforting for me, during this long stretch when I have been away from the Catholic Church.
This morning I read the upsetting
news that on February 25 a lay volunteer and monastery resident had taken his own life. It was about the most shocking thing I could have read, but after reflecting on it for a while, I realized I should not have been surprised. This religious community, which draws its members from the outside world, is a reflection of that world. I know this because of lessons the Abbott has shared.
They've erased any misconceptions that people who enter monastic life are somehow perfect, or far removed from the difficulties we all face.
This struggling soul had served the community for more than 20 years. Among his many talents, he was skilled in woodworking. When I read this I wondered if he made the wooden crosses that are stationed outside the monastery, like the one pictured above.
Abbot Philip wrote that you could easily tell he was a man of deep faith, yet that did not rid him of his demons. I've been thinking that this man's desperate act is a reminder of how fragile we all can be, and how our pain is often kept hidden. If someone living in a close religious community can feel so much anguish he is driven to take his own life, then we should strive to be even more aware of suffering in those around us, out here in "the world."
Suicide is one of the last taboos in modern society. It's not something that is commonly discussed outside of groups that have been affected by it. Nevertheless, I've known people who have not only considered it, but tried it. I've known individuals who have lost family members to it. I once handled a suicide call while working in a hospital emergency room. The woman involved was "saved" just in time, but I have to wonder if she tried again and was not rescued.
One of the things I appreciate most about Abbot Philip's letters, is his honesty and openness about his own life, and his own personal battles. He writes that he was the child of alcoholic parents and the abuse he suffered caused him to live in numbing fear until he became an adult. From his remarks, I have noticed that psychological healing from all that abuse has been slow, and continues to this day.
We are all so fragile. We all have our limits in what we can endure. And our endurance is constantly tested. Because of my personal history I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I was also raised in an alcoholic home. Everything that ever hurt me in life has been tied either directly, or indirectly to alcohol abuse by others. I have considered suicide many times, but by the grace of God, came close only once.
There is no place for guilt or shame when someone leaves this world by their own hand. It's a horribly violent act brought out of extreme suffering, which is not the fault of the survivors. It's true that other people can make our lives quite miserable, but the responsibility of self-murder lies with the individual.
As Christians we
are expected to be there for one another. We are expected to try to bear each other's burdens, or at the very least, not make them any greater. In human relationships this is not always possible, and when someone commits suicide it becomes easier for the survivors to blame themselves, than live with the unanswered question of "why?" I can imagine this will be a very, very difficult time for the Christ in the Desert community, and all who loved this man, and I will be praying for them.
Apart from the loss of a friend to the community, in this week's email the abbot talks about penance. I'm not sure where I stand on this issue. There seems to be a difference between the act of doing penance as the church defines it, and the biblical repenting of sins. I do like the idea of being able to do penance on behalf of someone else, who may not be able to do it for themselves. Also, sometimes we find it hard to forgive ourselves from something we've done, even though we know God forgives us. Penance might be a way to help heal our own deep remorse. But those are only my thoughts -- I have no idea what church doctrine states on these issues.
As for as the Catholic Church, suicide, and the matter of penance, I believe the harsh archaic views have changed. Because of advances in science and our knowledge of the brain and how it works, we know that depression is a disease. Suicide is a result of unresolved depression, or some other psychiatric condition. I hope the church now looks upon suicide for what it is, a terrible tragedy. In any case, here is an online
question and answer about the views of the Roman Catholic Church on suicide.
If you are in pain and thinking of suicide, please,
please...call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at #1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Revised and re-posted on 3/17/12
