Feeling better!

Here's a fat fellow not bothered one bit by the recession. It was the best out of a dozen or so really bad pictures from my outing today. I cannot seem to make friends with my digital camera.

I did make it to the lake for an hour of fresh air and sunshine. It was lovely, watching the squirrels and rabbits, and all the crazy ducks. I did quite a bit of walking for being outside for the first time in two weeks. We went to Starbucks and the grande cappucino made my blood sugar spike, so I spent a few hours crying, and not crying, while I struggled to get it back down.

I sometimes wish I had my own separate dwelling, where I could have my art, and my books, music, candles...lots of windows and light, a rocking chair with pillows, and comforters, and quilts, and no male energy at all!  No crude comments, no bullish behavior, none of the manly man stuff that goes on around here from morning till dusk. No farting, belching, cursing, playing tricks on the dog, or yelling at MY dog, or loud out-of-tune singing, or temper tantrums over the whereabouts of the remote control. I need a man-free zone and I need it now.

Tomorrow is my son's 14th birthday. This is the longest I have ever NOT been pregnant, since, you know, I started loaning out my uterus. I still have it, my uterus, though the reproductive channels have been snipped, singed, and tied off. It would be fine with me if I didn't have it, unless I started growing a beard, or my voice dropped. But so far, we are still together, me and my empty, flabby uterus, with all its useless accessories.

I wonder if it ever occurs to men how badly they really look as they age? Just because we don't remark on it, does not mean we don't notice their faults. We've been noticing their faults almost since the day we first noticed them. It's just that over time, so little improvement is made, that we finally stop wasting the effort.

I say, if you want those long hairs growing out your ears, fine. If you would rather have nostrils filled with "dust catching" fuzz, that's okay with me. If you want your old-man eyebrows to look like antennas, who am I to argue? And by the way, I have noticed that my eyelids are firmer and higher than yours, right along with my butt! Are you sure you can still see out of those things? Are those cataracts?

If you haven't noticed that your teeth have turned yellow, I certainly won't call the dentist for teeth whitening for you. Carry on. Smile big for the camera.

What I particularly enjoy about my husband, is his hat. All of his hats start out nicely enough, brightly colored, clean and dust-free. But it only takes a few warm days outside and they all begin to smell the same. Like one of those old gas station bathrooms that are so disgusting no one will use them, even if you have to drive 50 miles to the next stop....When the hats begin to reach this terrible place, they are not allowed in the house. He tries sneaking them in, but you would be surprised what a great throwing arm I have.

I would just like to add one little piece of advice about baseball caps. Just because you have one, doesn't mean you don't have to comb your hair! It's not that hard. You don't have much to comb.

The other thing I wonder about, and perhaps this is too personal to mention, but what is it about men and their underwear? Why must they keep them (their favorites) until all that's left is a piece of ragged elastic? And you wonder why she doesn't want to.

Another one of my "best" friends (Arwyn) took me under her wing during my marriage-recovery retreat (post divorce), and explained to me the importance of buying nice underwear for yourself. "Forget about the exterior," she told me. "But the lingerie is a necessity. That way you can walk around with something sexy close to your skin, and a mysterious smile on your face. You have this little secret, and wouldn't they just love to know all about it!"

As you can tell, I am beginning to feel a tad better. Some of the old energy is coming back. By the end of the week I should be completely cured.